The Secret Diary of Cindy McCain

Saturday November 22^nd

3:08PM

Dear Diary,

Life slowly getting back to normal. John left for Senate; quite a relief to have him out of state and be able to close up his wing of house. Also glad J gone because have been singing “Obama Girl” song since election (so catchy!) and am sure that would go over badly if he was around. In weekly update J’s secretary sends my secretary, he asked that I write scathing letter to President Bush for goodbye.us—Public forum for venting frustrations at soon to be former President—to summarize the rage I "must surely feel at our tragic loss". Once past shock that J had shown interest in (to quote him) “new-fangled internets contraption,” delegated task to Meghan, as M actually devastated at election failure due to her own loss of relevance in popular culture.

Ridiculous rumors circulated by National Enquirer that am having affair with used car salesman. Really, National Enquirer? Used car salesman? What kind of girl do you think I am?

In the most shocking news of all, Madonna and Guy Ritchie unable to reconcile and have made divorce official. If anyone asks, have entered mourning period. Now, where did I put the Grey Goose?

xoxo,

cindy

Friday October 31^st

6:02PM

Dear Diary,

Happened across list of possible post-election alternatives for Sarah should our presidential bid not be victorious (heaven forbid!). Decided might not be such a bad idea to consider own backup options, as shock of loss would most likely force John into a home…

1) Rule as Queen of Svalbard, northernmost province of Norway

Pros: Armies of ice-creature minions ready to do bidding

Cons: Lack of feasible options for maintaining year-round sunkissed glow

2) Replace Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

Pros: Am told I already resemble an Amy Poehler sketch character (how flattering!); Amy at home with newborn child, as a woman should be

Cons: Sarah already likely to join cast, can’t be seen as copy-cat

3) The new Mrs. Obama

Pros: Already practiced in art of husband-stealing

Cons: Unsure if am willing to marry socialist, despite deep mutual physical attraction

4) Become international fashion-plate, a la Paris Hilton

Pros: In case of relapse, Rehab is popular thing to do these days for socialites

Cons: Rigorous shopping schedule to always be on top of latest trends…OH WAIT, did I say that was a con?! Hahaha. crack myself up.

5) Return to the mother ship

xoxo,

HRH Queen Cindy Lou

Friday October 24th

3:05PM

Dear Diary,

New York Times has done it again! This time persecuting beautiful woman for love of fashion, unacceptable. At least am confident attractive women everywhere will sympathize with her plight …could work to political advantage, as attractive women demographic have not as of yet succumbed to skeletor’s John’s political charms…

Anyway, allegations RNC spent $150,000 on Sarah’s wardrobe completely false, so of course she is denying it. In actuality, as soon as Governor got off plane from Alaska I said to John “If this woman is going to be photographed next to me, she needs to look like she didn’t just stumble out of some backwoods little league hockey game in the ‘80s” so handed her my limitless American Express and told her to go to town. Didn’t look at receipts of course, so part about spending $150,000 could be true…should have suggested spending minimum. As I'm sure any woman in America would agree, 150K on clothes doesn't go as far as it used to. Sigh.

xoxo,

cindy